High-Conflict First-Contact Script

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What does "high-conflict" mean?

High-conflict families are not "especially contentious families" — they have qualitatively different conflict patterns. Joan Kelly and other researchers describe three hallmarks: First, persistence — conflicts continue long after the separation, often for years. Second, escalation dynamics — small triggers (an appointment rescheduled, a gift forgotten) provoke intense reactions that are out of all proportion to the trigger. Third, triangulation of children — children become messenger children, spies, allies, or opponents; they get caught between the parents and suffer lasting harm.

The research is clear (Kelly & Emery 2003; current scoping review 2025; PMC studies on PTSD risks): It is not the separation itself but the conflict intensity after the separation that is the primary harm factor for children. Children of amicably separated families show barely any elevated distress; children of high-conflict separated families show markedly elevated rates of anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and, in severe cases, post-traumatic symptoms.

What this means for counseling: The primary goal is not the reconciliation of the parents (often unrealistic) but escalation reduction and getting the children out of the conflict ("out of the middle," per Kelly). This has implications for the setting of the first contact — and that is exactly what this template is about.

Contents: Phone-call template · Clarifying things before the appointment · First-contact setting (joint or separate?) · Mandatory safety and child-welfare screening · Legal framework in brief · Closing with clear agreements · Six difficult situations · FAQ · Print note · Practice pocket guide · Sources.

Distinguishing counselor / assessor / mediator: This template is intended for counseling. Counseling is not assessment — no recommendations are made for custody or contact decisions. Counseling is also not mediation — where domestic violence is established, mediation is fundamentally contraindicated. Clarifying roles belongs at the very start of the first contact (see section 5).

## 1. The Phone Call — First Contact Before the First Contact In the high-conflict setting, the work often begins on the phone — and much is already decided there. Who calls, what the person says about the setting, how they respond to structured follow-up questions is highly valuable diagnostically. Plan for **15 to 25 minutes** for the phone call — shorter is rarely enough, longer is usually counseling over the phone, which is neither billed nor documented. **Suggested structure for the phone call.**

Phase 1 — Who is calling? (3 min)

Note the name. Role in the family (father, mother, grandparents, new partner, the other parent). How did the person hear about the practice? (Referral from whom? Court-ordered?)

Phase 2 — What is the situation? (5–7 min)

"Can you tell me in two or three sentences what this is about?" — keep it brief. Structure actively: "How old are the children? How long ago was the separation? What is the acute flashpoint right now?"

Phase 3 — Clarify role and mandate (5 min)

"I am a counselor, not a mediator and not an assessor. That means: I am on one side — yours. I cannot decide on behalf of the other parent, and I cannot submit a statement to a court. Does that work for you?"

If the person expects a statement or a custody assessment: refer them to the family court welfare service or a certified assessor. Clarifying this on the phone saves you half a wasted first contact.

Phase 4 — Safety screening (3 min)

Direct, matter-of-fact: "Before we set up an appointment — is there physical violence, past or present? Stalking? Threats? Currently or during the separation phase?" If yes: mediation/joint settings are contraindicated (see section 3). Acute danger → Domestic Violence Against Women Helpline (08000 116 016), police (110), women's shelter.

Phase 5 — Setting and appointment (3 min)

"What I would propose is: you come in alone first for an initial session. Together we clarify what you need and how we proceed. Only afterward do we decide whether and how the other parent is brought in." — Arrange the appointment. Raise the fee openly. Note the counseling contract and GDPR consent at the first appointment.

Adapt: With acutely emotionally agitated callers, shorten Phase 2 — do not get into the story but clarify the setting. "I can hear that there's a lot going on. Let's discuss that calmly in the appointment. Today we'll clarify whether we can work well together."

## 2. Before the Appointment — What Must Be Clarified Before the person enters the room, you should have checked three things. **Role and mandator.** Who initiated the counseling? In voluntary counseling, the caller is the mandator. In counseling in the context of a **family court order** or as **participation under § 36 SGB VIII** (assistance plan), the formal mandator is the youth welfare office or the court — the family is the client. This difference must be clarified in the contract. **Existing proceedings and rulings.** Is there an ongoing family court proceeding? Do custody or contact decisions already exist? Is there a proceeding under § 8a SGB VIII (endangerment of child welfare)? Are other bodies involved (youth welfare office, guardian ad litem, family court welfare service)? Ask the person, have them bring you copies, make your own note. **Your own limits.** Do I have the qualification for this case? High-conflict counseling requires specific competencies (systemic separation counseling, child-protection training). In cases of acute violence: do not counsel yourself but refer to a women's/men's counseling center, women's shelter, or specialist counseling. With parents under severe psychological strain: consider co-counseling with a psychotherapist. **What is prepared in writing before the appointment.** - Counseling contract with a clear role description ("counseling, not mediation, not assessment") - GDPR consent with an explicit note: "In the event of weighty indications of child endangerment, information may be passed to the youth welfare office under § 4 KKG — a stepped approach, where possible with the involvement of the parents." - Fee information with a note on cancellation fees - Your own half-page description of your procedure ("How I work") — can be handed out at the initial session

## 3. Setting Decision — Joint or Separate? The most important setting decision in high-conflict first contact: Who sits in the room? **Standard recommendation: separate initial sessions.** There are good professional reasons not to start with both parents together in the high-conflict setting. In a joint setting, the relationship dispute resumes within the first ten minutes; the initial session turns into a public slugfest; the counselor has to play referee and immediately loses the counseling relationship with at least one of the parties. Therefore: **two separate initial sessions, then a well-founded decision about the further setting.** This takes more time but is usually the only way to build a sustainable counseling relationship with both parents.

Exception: If both parents have already been in mediation or family support and are seeking a low-threshold counseling reset, a joint initial session can work — with a clear ground rule at the outset (no accusations, no old stories, only present and future). Review the setting after 15 minutes.

**Contraindications for joint settings (even after separate initial sessions):** - Established or plausibly described domestic violence - Stalking, threats, restraining order - Massive asymmetry in power and verbal ability - One party in a severe psychological crisis (acute, not stabilized) - One party in acute addiction - An existing protection-from-violence proceeding If any of these constellations is present: separate settings only. In cases of violence, additionally refer to specialized counseling centers (women's shelter, men's helpline, specialist violence counseling). **Children in the initial session — almost never.** In first contact with the parents, children are fundamentally **not involved**. If children are to be heard, then in a separate setting, at a later time, with age-appropriate preparation. Bringing children into the initial session means making them conflict material — this violates the "out of the middle" principle.

## 4. Mandatory Screening — Safety and Child Welfare Every high-conflict first contact includes a structured screening. It is not an interrogation but a duty of care. Clients understand this when it is introduced as such. **Introducing the screening.** "Before we go deeper, I'll briefly run through a few questions with you that I ask as standard in such counseling. It's about the safety of everyone involved — you, the other parent, and above all the children. Is that all right?" **Screening block A — Domestic violence.** - "Has there been or is there physical conflict?" - "Who started it, who escalates?" - "Were the children present or did they witness it?" - "Are there police call-outs, medical certificates, charges?" - "Currently or before the separation?" **Screening block B — Psychological strain.** - "Are there current mental health conditions in you or the other parent, in treatment or untreated?" - "Substance use — alcohol, medication, other substances?" - "Suicidal thoughts — in you, in the other parent, in the past or currently?" **Screening block C — Child welfare.** - "How are the children doing at the moment? School, sleep, eating, behavior?" - "Do the children directly experience the conflicts? Are they used as messengers?" - "Has a child made a statement about violence, neglect, sexual abuse?" - "Are there statements from daycare, school, the family doctor?" **What to do when there are indications of child endangerment.** § 8a SGB VIII requires a risk assessment in the case of "weighty indications." Counselors who fall under § 4 KKG (all professional confidants who work with the family) have a **right to consultation** with an experienced specialist (insoFa). The stepped approach: 1. Document your own assessment 2. Consultation with the insoFa (possible in anonymized form) 3. Attempt to involve the parents in averting the danger 4. If this fails, or in cases of acute danger: information to the youth welfare office 5. Acute danger: in parallel, police, on-call medical service This staging must be made transparent in the counseling contract. Parents have a right to know what happens if a suspicion of child endangerment arises.

## 5. Legal Framework in Brief In the high-conflict setting, the legal framework is part of the craft. Counselors need to know three areas — they don't need to know the details by heart, but they do need the logic. **§ 8a SGB VIII — Protective mandate in cases of child endangerment.** In the case of weighty indications of endangerment, a stepped approach with the insoFa. Applies directly to providers of youth welfare and to everyone working in the context of public youth welfare. Independent counselors are brought in via § 4 KKG. **§ 4 KKG (Act on Cooperation and Information in Child Protection).** Professional confidants (including independent counselors) have a right to consultation with an insoFa and a graduated authorization to pass information to the youth welfare office — where possible with the involvement of the parents. **§ 1684 BGB — Right of contact.** Both parents have the right and the duty to have contact with the child. In first contact, record: existing contact arrangements, refusals of contact, handover arrangements. **§ 1666 BGB — Family court measures in cases of endangerment.** When the family court intervenes in the family (withdrawal of custody, supplementary guardian, guardian ad litem), the counseling role must be defined differently than in voluntary counseling. **§ 203 StGB — Duty of confidentiality.** For licensed professional groups, protected under criminal law; for independent counselors, contractually. In the case of justifying necessity (§ 34 StGB) — acute danger to self or others — breaking confidentiality is permitted; document the balancing of interests. **Role clarification in the contract.** At the latest in the counseling contract, ideally already on the phone, clarify: - **Counseling** — the counselor works with one or both parties, has no authority to submit a statement to the court, gives no recommendation on custody. - **Mediation** — the mediator mediates between both parties, is neutral, has their own mediation training. Contraindicated in cases of violence. - **Supervised contact** — a dedicated specialist service, often anchored at the youth welfare office. - **Family court welfare service / guardian ad litem** — appointed by the court, submits statements. - **Assessment** — commissioned by the court, with its own qualification and strict formal rules. Whoever mixes the roles harms all involved — and themselves, because professional liability insurance often does not apply when roles are overstepped.

## 6. Closing with Clear Agreements At the end of the first contact, three things must be in black and white — otherwise misunderstandings arise in follow-up contacts, which escalate quickly in the high-conflict setting. **1. What is my mandate?** Formulated concretely in one sentence, confirmed orally or in writing by the mandator. Example: "You would like me to support you over the next three months in developing communication strategies for the handover situations." **2. What are the rules of cooperation?** - Who is informed (youth welfare office, lawyer)? - When may the other parent learn something? - How do we handle statements about the child or the other parent? - What happens if you want to come as a pair (with the other parent)? - What happens in the event of threats, violence, acute escalation? **3. How do things proceed concretely?** - When is the next appointment? - What will you do until then? (a small, doable observation task) - What will you do in an emergency? (crisis numbers, your own availability, clarification of limits)

Adapt: Hand these three points to the client as a brief written note. This prevents later "you didn't say that" debates. In the case of an integrated mandate (youth welfare office), send a copy to the mandating body.

Six Typical Difficult Situations

Situation 1 — Both parents call independently of each other

Neither knows about the other and both want counseling. Recommendation: counsel one person, refer the other onward. "I am already in contact with the other parent — out of professional diligence I cannot counsel both. I'll refer you to [colleague / counseling center]." Your own counseling relationship stays clear, no loyalty conflicts.

Situation 2 — The client wants a statement for the court

"Can you write down what I've told you so I can show it in court?" — No. Counseling confidentiality and court statements are mutually exclusive. Explain clearly: "I am not an assessor. For a statement to the court you would need to turn to the family court welfare service — or the court appoints an assessor." When in doubt, refer the client to your own contract and the role clarification.

Situation 3 — The other parent calls the practice directly and complains

Happens frequently. Standard reply: "I cannot give any information about whether someone is in counseling with me. If you yourself have a counseling concern, I can recommend colleagues to you." Observe confidentiality. Be transparent with your own client about the incident at the next appointment.

Situation 4 — The client makes massive accusations against the other parent

"He/she abuses the child / hits the child / is addicted to drugs …" Steps: (1) listen, validate, do not relativize ("That sounds distressing"); (2) ask follow-up questions — what are you observing concretely, how do you know this, who else knows about it; (3) mandatory child-welfare screening; (4) discuss together with the client whether/how the youth welfare office or insoFa should be brought in; (5) where there are plausible indications of child endangerment, a stepped approach under § 8a SGB VIII / § 4 KKG. Never adopt unverified accusations as facts in your own documentation — phrase it as "the client reports that …".

Situation 5 — The client threatens to harm themselves or the child

Acute danger to self or others. Immediately: (1) take the pace out, stay present; (2) ask concretely — plan, means, timing; (3) explain the basis for breaking confidentiality under § 34 StGB; (4) if there is danger to self: on-call medical service (116 117), in cases of acute suicidality emergency call (112) or psychiatric emergency department; (5) if there is danger to the child: in parallel insoFa, youth welfare office, in an acute case police (110). Afterward, supervision.

Situation 6 — The client wants to make an audio recording or disclose email correspondence

Covert recordings are a criminal offense in Germany (§ 201 StGB); open recordings with consent are fine. If the client brings their own recordings / emails containing incriminating material — do not adopt them without reflection. Email correspondence is part of the other parent's personality rights — counseling should not become an evidence-processing office. Sensible: listen to the content, do not put it in the file.

FAQ — Six Key Questions from Practice

1. What if one parent says the other is "malicious" or "manipulative"?

In high-conflict families, the respective other parent is often described as "the manipulative one." This labeling is diagnostically worthless — it's not about assigning blame but about the relationship dynamic. Carefully: "What exactly are you describing there? When did it last happen like that?" — slow the narrative down without pathologizing.

2. Should I abide by court rulings or make my own judgment?

Court rulings are binding. Whoever overrides them in counseling — for instance, encouraging a client to refuse a contact ruling — is on thin ice. Contested rulings must be changed through the legal process, not through counseling. Your own professional assessment can be incorporated into a separate statement to the client, not to the court.

3. What if both parents formally have custody but only one is in counseling?

With joint custody, agreement of both parents is required for decisions of substantial significance (therapy for children, change of school). Counseling of the parents themselves does not fall under this. If the child is to be involved in the first contact, you need the consent of both custodial parents — otherwise do not begin.

4. What to do when I notice the case is "too much" for me?

Frequent in the high-conflict field. Options: seek supervision; co-counsel with an experienced colleague; refer onward to a specialist counseling center (e.g. the Federal Conference for Educational Counseling — bke). Never keep muddling through on your own and exhaust yourself — high-conflict clientele systematically overwhelm; this is not personal failure.

5. How do I document in the high-conflict setting?

Factually, datable, observable. Always mark the client's statements as such ("the client reports that …"), not as facts. Avoid evaluations. Keep your own hypotheses separate. In the event of a later court commission, files can be requested — whatever is in there is then visible. Retention period depends on the profession (for independent counselors often 3 years after the end of counseling, for health professions 10 years).

6. What to do when, at the end of a first contact, I think one of the clients is lying?

In the high-conflict setting, the assumption of truth is not the tool. Narratives are constructions — both sides often have an internally consistent yet markedly different picture of the family. Counselors do not have to decide this. They can work with both versions without taking either to be "the truth." Where there is suspicion of a false accusation against the other parent (especially in the context of sexual abuse): supervision, and if necessary refer to specialist counseling.

Phone-Call Pocket Guide to Take Along

The following pages contain printable material for the telephone first contact. You can place these pages next to the phone and jot down keywords during the call.

Page 1 — Phone-call script with note lines for the five phases.
Page 2 — "Before the appointment" checklist and crisis / counseling-center overview (as of 2026).
The explanations for each point can be found on the preceding pages.

Telephone First Contact — Script Sheet

1. Who is calling?

Name / role in the family / how did they hear about the practice?

2. What is the situation?

What is it about? Age of the children? Separated since when? Acute flashpoint?

3. Role / mandate

☐ Expectation: independent counseling
☐ Expectation: mediation
☐ Expectation: assessment / statement
☐ Mandate from youth welfare office / court?

Role clarification given: "I am a counselor, not a mediator, not an assessor. I am on your side."

4. Safety screening — mandatory

☐ Physical violence (past / present)?
☐ Stalking, threats, restraining order?
☐ Suicidal thoughts in one parent?
☐ Substance / addiction problem?
☐ Indications of child endangerment?

In cases of violence: NO joint setting. Referral to women's/men's support, see page 2.

5. Appointment and agreement

Appointment / setting (individual / separate first) / fee / contract note

Before the Appointment & Crisis List

Before the appointment — what must be clarified

☐ Mandator clarified (voluntary / youth welfare office / court)?
☐ Existing family court rulings recorded?
☐ Other bodies involved (guardian ad litem, family court welfare service)?
☐ My own qualification fits the case?
☐ Counseling contract with role clarification prepared?
☐ GDPR consent with note on § 4 KKG prepared?
☐ Supervision / insoFa contact noted?

Crisis and counseling centers (as of 2026)

Emergency call (police) 110
Emergency call (ambulance / fire service) 112
On-call medical service 116 117
Domestic Violence Against Women Helpline 08000 116 016
Men's Helpline "Violence Against Men" 0800 123 9900
Nummer gegen Kummer (children & youth) 116 111
Parents' Helpline (Nummer gegen Kummer) 0800 111 0 550
Sexual Abuse Helpline 0800 22 55 530
Telefonseelsorge (telephone counseling) 0800 111 0 111
Federal Conference for Educational Counseling (bke) bke.de
Local youth welfare office — General Social Service — fill in —
Experienced specialist (insoFa) — your own — fill in —

Your own notes

Sources and Further Reading

Kelly, Joan B. & Emery, Robert E. (2003): Children's Adjustment Following Divorce — Risk and Resilience Perspectives. Family Relations 52(4). Foundational overview of risk and protective factors for children of separation.
Kelly, Joan B. (2007): Children's Living Arrangements following Separation and Divorce. Empirical findings on care arrangements.
PMC (2022): Healing the Separation in High-Conflict Post-divorce Co-parenting. Peer-reviewed; current intervention overview.
PMC: Parental Conflicts and Posttraumatic Stress of Children in High-Conflict Divorce Families. Research on PTSD risks.
Tandfonline (2025): Interventions in High-Conflict Divorces/Separations from Children's Perspective — Scoping Review. Current state of research.
§ 8a SGB VIII — Protective mandate in cases of child endangerment; stepped approach with an experienced specialist (gesetze-im-internet.de).
§ 4 KKG (Act on Cooperation and Information in Child Protection) — authorization and stages for professional confidants.
§ 1684 BGB — right of contact of both parents; record in first contact.
§ 1666 BGB — family court measures in cases of endangerment.
§ 203 StGB — criminally protected duty of confidentiality (an exhaustively enumerated list of professional groups).
§ 34 StGB — justifying necessity as a basis for breaking confidentiality in cases of acute danger.
§ 201 StGB — criminal liability for covert audio recordings.
Bavarian State Youth Welfare Office (2022): Professional recommendations § 8a SGB VIII. Procedural standards for child endangerment (blja.bayern.de).
Federal Conference for Educational Counseling (bke): Child Protection and Counseling. Practice guide; bke.de.
Child Protection Specialist Office: Procedure under § 8a SGB VIII — operative sequence of steps (fachstelle-kinderschutz.de).
DGSF: Association position on the SGB VIII reform and on family, youth, and social policy (dgsf.org).
DGSF (2003): The DGSF's distancing from family constellations after Hellinger — binding for members. Hellinger / constellation methods are not professionally defensible in the high-conflict setting.

Sources as of 2026-06-03. This template is NOT a substitute for specialist training in high-conflict family work. Continuing education is available from, among others, the DGSF, bke, and regional family counseling institutes.

#hochkonflikt #erstgespraech #loyalitaeten #jugendhilfe